I would venture to say that most, if not every one of us has built up walls of protection over this lifetime; walls of armor to protect ourselves from being hurt. As we are birthed, life greets us with a harshness that causes us to shrink back from our true selves. We then spend years and money working through our “issues” so that we can be emotionally, mentally and physically healthy, and be in relationships that are not co dependent.
Our ego, that part of ourselves that can be such a help to us but also a mighty and vengeful opponent, is a huge and vital part of those walls that we build around ourselves.
For me, it requires constant vigilance to reign in that ego, as my walls were (and apparently still are) pretty thick. During tough times it is akin to spraying a garden hose on a forrest fire, hoping to stop the raging flames that threaten to destroy everything that I have created and built in my life.
Hindsight is indeed 20/20. Sometimes even 20/15. I look back over the past week or so, and I am now able to see very clearly how my ego sprinted forth from it’s “resting place” in the back of my mind in order to stoke the fire of my anger at being misunderstood. I have to admit that to some degree the ego is still lurking close by, as I feel the need to reach out and make amends to the one that I raged at, yet I am not sure that I want to go there just yet…Is that the real and authentic Me, or is that the ego (aka “wall of armor”) still influencing me? I am always asking myself that question, and surrendering to the fact that I am a work in progress.
We say and do things in anger and pain that we regret later. As my heart softens and I breathe my way back into allowing my heart to be more open once again, I am able to forgive myself for falling back into old patterns. I live, I learn and I keep going.
March 19, 2012