Mother’s Day can carry a lot of emotional weight if you allow it to. I no longer allow that weight to bring me down.
My mom died from alcoholism and various complications from it when I was 28. My relationship with her was for me, one of love/hate. I loved her with a need born from not getting enough of what I needed in life. So when she died, I mourned from the depth of my soul for her, but what I was really mourning for was what she could not give me, which was unconditional love.
Her disease was so all encompassing, that she lived deeply in guilt. As a grown woman with children of my own I have a keen understanding of the guilt and the self worth issues that she struggled with her whole life. She could not love herself, so she was not able to love me the way I needed to be loved; which is to be loved without conditions.
I hated her at times, as she would literally become a different person when she drank. She was also a Gemini, so add that to the mix, and you have a classic case of me not knowing who I was coming home to every afternoon after school. Most days it was not the mom I wanted and desperately needed her to be.
I have spent most of my adulthood forgiving her as well as forgiving myself. I did and said some awful things to her over the years, out of anger, hurt, pain and frustration.
But on this day, I can smile at some of the memories, the pleasant ones; and yes, there were some, and allow my heart to be full of love and forgiveness to the woman who gave me life. The woman who helped me to become strong, and learn what unconditional love is. I know who I am and who I will never become. She taught me so very much, and even though it was a tough way to learn, and a stressful way to grow up, I honor her and love her and miss her on this day especially.
I love you mom.
May 13, 2012